Yet Another Movie
by nb41
Summary: Movie Night in the Tower doesn't necessarily mean *Good* Movie Night.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: 'Horses aren't ruminants', and other random facts garnered during movie night when it's Clint's turn to choose.

* * *

Thor frowned at the TV screen. "Do your people frequently use motorcycles in battle?"

"Not really," Clint said. "I mean, not anymore." He glanced at Steve. "They did in World War II, right?"

Steve nodded. "Germans especially. Allies did too, just not as much in combat. But you couldn't really beat them for scouting."

A motorcycle flipped onto its side and sent the man riding it skittering to his doom over a cliff. The movie was an exercise in the ridiculous, but it had been Clint's turn to choose, and the alternative he'd put on offer was _Sharknado_. (Bruce had accused him of picking _Sharknado_ as choice number two specifically to be assured they'd watch the other one instead. Clint hadn't denied the accusation.)

"They seem prone to causing the deaths of those riding them," Thor said.

"Yeah, it's a hazard," Steve admitted. He had a handful of kettle corn. "But the movies play it up a bit too."

Tony said, "So what do Asgardians ride into battle?"

"Æsir," Thor corrected. Tony rolled his eyes. "We ride horses when the battle is on land and involves ground forces. We have skiffs we use for air battles."

"Skiffs?" Natasha looked up over the edge of her tablet at Thor. (She was barely paying attention to the movie.) "So you have boats that fly?"

Thor nodded. Tony, meanwhile, looked unimpressed.

"Horses. Really." He sounded unimpressed too. "Isn't that a little old fashioned for an advanced race?"

Thor shrugged. "They can be ridden or draw chariots, they are themselves quite formidable in battle, and are not incapacitated without a rider if correctly trained." Another motorcycle rider met a gruesome fate. He gestured at the screen. "These things cannot be said of your 'motorcycles'."

"Yeah, but motorcycles don't need full housing and daily exercise and eat like h—like large ruminants. And they're a hell of a lot easier to ship wherever you need them to be."

"Horses aren't ruminants," Maria said absently. She was mostly ignoring the film as well, in favor of her phone. "They're monogastric."

Natasha frowned. "How do they digest the cellulose then?"

"A pouch in their large intestine."

"Huh." Natasha went back to her tablet. Tony waved a hand dismissively.

"Whatever. They're still a lot more work to take care of than a Harley."

"Their care is not a major inconvenience for us," Thor said. "The Bifröst sends them where they must go, and we do not struggle to provide for them."

Tony sighed and shook his head. "Seems like an enormous waste of resources."

"You must remember, Stark, our people do not number so great as yours. There are far fewer Æsir in Asgard than humans upon Earth." Thor's mouth twitched in a teasing smile. "I suppose you would find the boars preferred by the Ljósálfar even worse."

Tony almost choked on his beer. "I'm sorry, what? Boars?"

Sam raised his eyebrows at Thor. "Boars?" he echoed.

"Yes. They prefer them to horses for their tusks. They're renowned for their intelligence, but can be quite vicious. This is why Asgard has never used them."

Tony was starting to look worried. "They don't really ride boars."

Rhodes, on the other hand, was curious. "How big are these boars, exactly?"

"They are not so long-bodied as a horse, but of a similar height, and thicker." Thor tilted his head. "About the size of some of your cattle, with stronger backs."

Tony was staring at Thor. "This is some kind of joke, right?" Thor threw his head back and laughed.

"Why would I say such things in jest?"

"Because I don't know anything about your planet—"

"Realm."

"—homeworld, and you can tell me whatever you feel like and since you have a magic space hammer and can control the weather and haven't given me a plausible Earth explanation for either, I sort of have to take it on faith."

"And you think I would use this to mock you?"

"_Yes_."

Thor placed a hand on his chest and made a visible effort to rein in his amusement. "Friend Stark, you wound me with such an accusation." Rhodes and Steve laughed; Sam tried not to.

Tony squinted at Thor. "It's not real, is it. They don't use enormous boars. They use machines."

"The Ljósálfar are not inclined to use machines except where they must. Some of their weapons—and Asgard's—are living constructs, it's true. But they would not use them for riding."

Rhodes sobered and said, "Living constructs?"

"Coming up on a good part, guys," Clint warned them.

"I doubt that," Steve said, and Clint threw a piece of popcorn at him.

Thor nodded at Rhodes. "Yes. Similar to automatons, but with an intelligence to drive their actions."

Tony leaned forward. "You actually have sentient robots on Asgard."

"Robots." Thor said the word like he was turning it over in his mind. "Is this what you call them? A strange term." He took a long drink of his beer. "Living constructs are sentient, yes. Automatons are not."

"So, how do you give them sentience? I mean how does that work? Do you have some kind of special programming language to—"

"Stop talking," Clint said. He indicated the screen with his bowl of popcorn. "We're now at the good part."

"We wouldn't want to miss the _good_ part," Natasha murmured. Clint nudged her with his foot, and she grabbed some Chex mix out of Bruce's bowl and threw it at him. Clint batted it aside, which sent a mini-pretzel into Tony's beer.

Tony shot Clint an ugly look and set his glass on the table. Clint shrugged an apology. Tony pointed at Thor, Rhodes, and himself in turn, then nodded meaningfully.

Thor smiled and turned his attention back to the movie.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Clint isn't the only one who loves bad movies.

Notes: For this prompt at comment_fic: Avengers movieverse, author's choice, Sharktopus vs Pteracuda. This seemed like the perfect second chapter. The Jane/Thor and Pepper/Tony are background.

* * *

"Okay," Tony said, clapping his hands together as everyone began settling in. "Whose turn is it."

"Mine," Sam said. He switched the entertainment center to the DVR and began flipping through the recordings. "Saw something on the other night that looked perfect, but we were doing that thing in Morocco, so I saved it."

Tony narrowed his eyes. "You didn't consult Barton on this, did you?"

"I'm capable of making my own B-movie watching decisions, thanks."

"Great," Tony said with a sigh.

Sam skipped through the list until he came to one towards the bottom and selected it. Steve blinked at the title.

"Are you kidding?"

"Absolutely not."

Bruce made a face. "Is this to get back at us for vetoing _Sharknado_?"

"Could be," Sam said.

Slowly and with a good deal of uncertainty, Thor read the name on the screen. "_Sharktopus versus Pteracuda_." His brow furrowed. "This is a tale of a great battle between two foes?"

"'Great' is not the word I would use," Jane said. She bit her lip and swept at her tablet. From the kitchen they all heard Pepper curse, and Jane grinned.

"Oh, damn you, Jane Foster, that was _my_ bonus." The refrigerator opened and shut, and Pepper joined them on the sectional with wine coolers for herself (piña colada) and Jane (watermelon). Thor leaned in to look at Jane's screen and smiled.

"_Someone_ is getting their ass kicked at Scrabble," Tony commented. Pepper hit him on the shoulder and tucked her feet under her as she contemplated her phone.

"More like someones," Natasha said. She tapped at her screen a few times, and Pepper groaned.

"I hope you both wind up with all Xs and Zs." She consoled herself with a drink from her cooler.

Tony rubbed one of her arms. "Now now, there's no need to get violent."

Sam, meanwhile, had paused the movie on the opening title. Rhodes ran a hand over his face. "You're serious."

"Dead serious," Sam assured him.

"Excellent choice," Clint said as he dropped onto the seat next to Sam. "I forgot to record this while we were out last week."

"I've got your back."

Clint thanked Sam by handing him the bowl of Chex mix, which he happily dug into.

"What manner of foes are these?" Thor asked.

"Fake ones," Bruce said in between handfuls of caramel corn. "Scifi chimeras they made up for the sake of the movie."

"Mythical beasts to make the tale more interesting?" Thor hazarded.

Rhodes said, "Less myth, more exaggeration." He seemed to have resigned himself to their mutual fate and was nursing his beer.

Natasha said, "Mostly to distract us from how bad everything else is going to be."

"There is no shame in that," Thor said. "Distraction is the purpose of many stories. Some are lessons, and some are tales of good triumphing over evil, but a great many are merely meant to give respite to the weary."

Sam pointed at Thor. "Exactly," he said. "See? He gets it."

"Yeah, let's not forget, he's also an alien from another gala—ow, hey." Tony rubbed his side where Pepper had elbowed him in the ribs. She arched an eyebrow at him, and he huffed. "Fine." Thor gave him a smug look, and Tony's jaw set.

Clint said, "Whatever. None of you have any taste in movies. Except Thor and Sam." He nodded at Sam. "Fire it up."


End file.
